Hi! How are you?

But really, how are you deep within, in your heart-space? I truly hope you are okay, or finding the tools, and space to process anything you’re going through. If your heart feels heavy today, I invite you to take a few minutes to bring your feet to the ground and feel Mother Earth supporting and nurturing you as you shed a new layer into your Soul. As you ground through your feet, take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose, and exhaling through your mouth. If it feels good, you might find it self-serving to exhale with a sigh or any sound that comes through in the moment. I was feeling invincible before sitting here, but as I started to write these lines, I had to do this myself. Talking about boundaries (or “limites sanos”, like my friend Dafne calls them in Spanish) is not an easy task, and it becomes even harder when they are interlaced with family. And it’s so hard because we potentially grew up with none, and no one showed us why they matter, and how to establish them in a healthy way. By this I don’t mean it becomes easier setting them because they are “healthy”, but that they work in a way where you feel good about them, and they are not conducing to major discord or confrontation.

I have found that boundaries are key in the Healing Process for many reasons. I will give you two. First and foremost, through boundaries you get clear on what feels good, and start putting yourself first, which is an important step required to heal. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice what you need to keep someone else happy. People that truly care will understand, maybe not immediately, but with consistency and love they will. Second, boundaries are important because we’re all walking a different path, and this doesn’t mean that some of us are lower or higher, because it is not a staircase, but rather a vast space where we are all feeling different things and at a different intensity. Each person is in its own journey into healing, or perhaps not, and that’s okay. When we were born, we were given free will to do as we please, and not because you are heling x, y, or z, it means people around you need to be doing the same thing. What I can assure you is that many times, as a person starts a conscious healing process this will be triggering for many people, especially the ones that are closer. Typically, this is family and close friends, thus the theme of this Blog Post chosen by you through the Instagram poll I did early this week. Thank you to all of those who voted by the way, I appreciate so much your guidance and feedback.

In the surface it might be triggering because you are doing something (healing) that many people never do, and this is not their fault or your fault, it’s what we’ve been taught to do. Kudos if you are taking the steps necessary to exit the vicious cycle of ignoring your pain and connecting to your emotions. Now, when people get triggered, they react in different ways: they might attack you, they may take the victim role, or they might start ignoring/avoiding you, and all of them can hurt A LOT. I invite you to always keep in mind that all of this says more about them and their process, than about you. At a more subtle and deeper level, as you start walking your healing path, peeling the layers of the onion (ie. trauma), your energetic frequency starts to change. All human beings are energy, therefore when you meet someone you might feel light and like it was magic, or rather feel dense and think something doesn’t really make sense or smells odd (like we say in Spanish). Your energetic field recognizes the other humans’ energetic fields, reacts, and communicates the message. If you are paying attention, you will hear this message, if you are constantly numb, distracted, or in fight or flight you might just miss it.

Part of setting healthy boundaries comes from observing how people are reacting around you and bringing some of that into your conscious process. First, realizing that it has nothing to do with you, and then seeing what it requires from you. Acceptance might be a form of boundary, where you surrender to how the other person is reacting even if you don’t understand it. This one is especially helpful in cases where the other person starts avoiding or ignoring you. Though it’s normal to ask yourself “what did I do?”, 99% of times it’s nothing you did, but who you are becoming. You might want to reach out and ask why the other person is reacting in that way, and most times the other person won’t even know, because it’s an unconscious reaction. In the other two cases, where you are attacked or the other person acts as a victim, a healthy boundary (distance, time, space) could be very beneficial. It would give both you and the other person the space to continue down each path without damaging the relationship. There are many ways in which you can establish healthy boundaries and I can share a few examples:

1. If it is accessible, having a vulnerable conversation about the process you are starting or going through might help the other person understand where you stand. It might even open space within the other or inspire this person in some way.

2. If a vulnerable conversation is not available, maybe because the person is explosive or reactive, writing and sharing your thoughts in paper (or email) could help you express how you feel without the fear of bringing up a confrontation.

3. Learning to say no when you need to. This comes from first feeling what it is that you need, and to do that you need time for yourself. See how it’s all a circle? Your healing process and setting boundaries are completely intertwined, and one can’t happen without the other.

4. Sometimes drawing a boundary might require big steps like moving out or cutting out someone from your life completely. I think this type of boundary is the last choice, when nothing else has worked, and the other person keeps trying to break your limits or disrespecting them. It is never easy, but sometimes is needed.

Boundaries and radical acceptance are also needed to realize that friendships sometimes come to an end, that people come and go, that nothing is permanent, and that change is always good. To grow we must internalize that healing and evolving as human beings involves constant change and movement. Each version of you will require a thorough review of your boundaries with different people, and while there are cases when a new boundary needs to be created, there might be cases where boundaries can loosen up, because you are evolving and so is the rest of the people that surround you.

Boundaries with family members might be harder because we love them, but also because we grew up with the mindset that we are obligated to permeate in their lives no matter what. If you ask me, I don’t think that’s true, because being family doesn’t give you the right or the permission to harm, hurt, disrespect, or mistreat someone else. The truth is that any relationship where you are not being met halfway deserves some thought. I truly believe we were born into our blood family, but we have a Soul family out there too. Keep close and tight those people that constantly lift you up, that show interest in what you do and how you are, those that are rooting for you even when you are down. Release the rest, but do it from a place of self-compassion, not judgement. We are all doing our best with the tools we have. Each new version of you will require shedding and letting go, and remember, when you release something, you open up space for something new, more aligned with your new version to come in.

Boundaries are about you and taking care of yourself, your energy and your Soul. Boundaries are not selfish, but it’s okay if it seems that way. Through years of programming, we’ve been led to believe they are. It takes time to reprogram our mind, and it’s okay to get it wrong many times before we get it right. If you are currently in one or more co-dependent relationships know that this process is even harder, because you might find resistance, blame, and shame. The harder it becomes and the bigger the reaction, the stronger confirmation that a boundary is needed. Hang on, look for support, stay true to your heart as you navigate through, and know that you are supported every step of the way.

With infinite love,

Nicole